An open hand slap across the face, the sound could be heard from across the playground. It filled me with protective motherly rage, which had me had me flying across the playground and over the sandpit to the culprit.
"What was that!?" the stern tone in my voice petrified the children.
"Nothing." the culprit could not look me in the eye.
" I saw you hit him. Do we ever hit other people?" He shook his head in response.
"What should you do now?" "Sorry."
"Try again. I'm sorry for..." If there was anything I taught my preschool kids it was the importance of a proper apology. When we apologize we need to take responsibility for our actions. We need to acknowledge what we did and own it. He looked at the floor, "I'm sorry..."
"Try again. Look him in the eye and tell him what you are sorry for." He looked up.
"I'm sorry for hitting you." To my dismay, the receiver of the slap responded with, "It's okay."
Not only have we lost the art of apologizing and meaning it but we have forgotten how to set boundaries. Too often we accept half-assed apologies and forgive and forget. When we respond with "It's okay", we are telling our perpetrators that they can do it again. I've watched friends fall apart because their partner has wronged them and stay pretending everything is okay because of a half-assed apologies; acting as if the patterns of abuse have stopped.
"It's not okay. When someone hurts us, we don't say it's okay because that is us telling them they do it again."
"What do I say?"
That was the hardest part, what do you say to someone who has wronged you?
How do you accept an apology while setting boundaries? How do you forgive without forgetting? Without holding a grudge?
"Well," I hesitated, knowing the weight of my next words would be the foundation of how they would respond to apologies, " You can say 'Thank you but don't do it again.' You can say 'I appreciate your apology but I don't want to play with you right now.' It's okay to need space after something like that." I turned to the giver of the slap and asked, " Would you want to play with **** if he had hit you?" he shook his head in response,
Saying 'No' to things that hurt us is a defiant act of self-love. And yet as teachers, we are told we can not use the word "No" with children. Parents have stopped telling their children "No" and slowly we have lost the word. We have lost the ability to turn away from things that hurt us. We need to bring boundaries and expressing ourselves when others have gone too far. No one should be called a bitch or an asshole or overly emotional for saying "No" to something or someone that is not good for them. We need to learn to express our boundaries and teach our children how to do it at a younger age.
What things will you say "no" to for your self-care?