Growth is rarely comfortable. Often it hurts. Lately, growth has felt like an exorcism.
As we come to the year mark of last year's trauma; there are phantoms that haunt me. The desire for a woman who was beyond toxic to me.
While I know that it was not love and do not want her to be part of my life, the flashbacks are awful and confusing. It is like two people living inside of me and one of them is a time traveller stuck in last year; still believing all the empty promises she made me.
The person I am now would undo all the choices I made last year given the opportunity. However, there are spots in my brain that hold these memories, "The Best Times", and some part of me is trying to go back and live in them as if they are better than my life now.
Rather than seek out closer or some sort of resolve from the people involved, I am looking forward to travelling and spending time with the people that show me love. No more settling for white lies and unfulfilled promises. No seeking approval from strangers or people who do not matter.
Another hard part about growth is that other people rarely see it and often treat you as if you were the same as before.
I know that I am better than I was. My worst is no longer starving in the darkness of my room too heavy to move. I am stronger now; the heaviness merely making me a bit moody or the occasional couch potato. It has taken years to build up this strength and much of it has happened miles away from the place where I grew up.
Going back to my roots will solidify just how much I have grown, whether my friends and family see it or not. Something about going "home" there are all the remnants of who you were. I know that I would never want to go back to that person but admire that she fought to get me where I am today.
I wonder I the people back home still see these photos as unprofessional and immature or if they can see the healing that has come from these moments of being vulnerable with mother nature.
Do you find growth comfortable or enjoyable? When was the last time you paused to look at how far you have come?
Have you asked those around if they have noticed your changes? What do you do to feel loved?
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