They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I believe this is just a lie to convince us to lower our standards and settle for much less.
It felt like eons before you arrived and you were not a prince or knight trying to rescue some damselized version of me.
You were a doctor. Unlike all the tradies, marketing managers and finance bros, you were intelligent in a curious nurturing way and dark-humoured in a way only healthcare professionals can be. If I'm honest I caught feelings when you managed to make genocide a laughing matter. However, feelings are dangerous and have never meant well for me. Especially, when you set firm boundaries that "we" had an expiry date. I set them aside and built them a gilded cage.
Every week you set new standards for what I needed in a relationship and those feelings continue to outgrow their cage. I wanted so badly to cut and run. By that point, it did not matter if I was going to hurt then or when the expiry finally came. I lulled my feelings to rest by convincing myself I deserved nice things. I could enjoy being a pillow princess while it lasted. I had another 12 months or so. Let me keep learning what things I deserve:
Home-cooked vegetarian meals.
Black holes and ethical debates during Aftercare.
The calmness I feel in your presence.
The space to read when I am overstimulated.
A soundboard when my head is too full to process everything alone.
Calm and logical advice when warranted.
A tutor, a study buddy and a body double.
Witty nerd humour.
Fugues overlaid with every style of song.
Positive comments on my clothes, hair and personality.
Long talks about music, books and movies.
Quiet nights in.
Weekends away.
I never felt I had the right to ask anything of you because we were casual. We had an expiry.
Out of the blue, you changed your tune. I still accepted you. You cut and run.
Upon reflection, I came undone. I was always just a footnote, means to bide your time. Now the thing that determined our expiry is no longer in play. You want forever just not with me. There was never a "we" in any of your realities.
Comments