I met someone whom I loved; not in the obsessive childish infatuation way but in an honest-to-god-I-want-what-is-best-for-them way. When I finally started to see the real him, all his layers, the trauma he carried like boulders on his shoulders. I want to take all his pain from him. To hold it for him long enough that he could rest, and heal, and grow into someone who could carry these things more effortlessly.
But he was like me. His parents did not show him what a healthy relationship looked like. He does not know how to accept unconditional love. We do not believe we are deserving.
My PTSD told me I was not what he needed or wanted. So I let him go. I walked away. I guess my PTSD made it easier but not less painful.
Recently I went on a date to 'really move on'. At least make myself feel like I have made an attempt to actively move on and continue to find my someone.
He is a Nice Canadian. My PTSD was quick to remind me that this Nice Canadian is too nice, too good to deserve someone like me; someone so dark, so heavy. I do not deserve the type of kind love he has to give. Just as quickly as I tried to move on, I recede into the darkness of my PTSD. I let it hug me and hold me the way I wish someone would. However, It never stops reminding me how undeserving I am (it is the most abusive relationship I have ever been in). Until I am excruciatingly exhausted. The kind of exhausted that makes you feel like ceasing to exist would feel better.
Maybe that's how our Darkness, our Demons operate; wearing us down until we are so exhausted the idea of non-existence becomes the only thing that provides relief.
As I lay in bed, I tried to think of all the things I could have done to be so horribly undeserving of love. There are none. I am not perfect but I have never done anything so malicious that I do not deserve to be loved. I have never done anything to deserve being beaten down and held only by only my Darkness.
I deserve falling asleep with my fingers tips resting on my lover's body when summer's heat makes spooning unbearable. I deserve getting to be the big spoon every now and then. I deserve waking up to coffee for two. I deserve a man who will hug me when I am at my worst. I deserve unconditional love.
Everyone does. There is no religion or cult that sees humans as perfect. Humans are not perfect and will never be. We deserve love, especially at our worst. Whatever darkness is holding you, know that it is lying to you. It will always find some way to tell you the things you want are not meant for you. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of healing.