There was a time when an old job had me so low, I believed that I was useless. I believed I was worthless and dumb and all the other things Diane would call me. It was weird that while her opinion did not matter and she was not a meaningful part of my life her negativity outweighed all my positivity. Even though I had the most lovely and positive boyfriend, her negativity eclipsed his more important opinion of me. Her insults filled my head and I believed that I would never do better.
It took a while and a lot of searching but I got out of that environment.
The more I reflect on my experiences, I can see how the people around me have so much influence on my environment. You can not control other peoples' intensions, only whether they get to be part of your life. There is so much debate about nature versus nurture, but the environment will always win. Your best qualities can be smothered in the wrong environment. Even when you feel like you are flourishing in an environment, the environment is always changing. We do not always notice the changes, especially if we have become attached to the environment. All it takes is two or three people to want you to fail and the environment can become toxic. A one off uncontrolled reaction and you have tainted the environment you are so attached to.
The change in enviroment can be so subtle we fail to notice or it can be blatent but our attachment skews the perception and we refuse to believe the environment no longer suits us.
The lesson that I am not learning fast enough is to leave (or a least speak up and defend myself sooner) when the discomfort sets in. Tolleratting even the slightest bit of toxicity is not building you up, it is the beginning of the negativity and your negative traits coming out.
While you do not have control over others or their perceptions of you, you do have control over how long you stay and how much negative influence you accept.
I should have reported Diane immediately or left that job. I should have looked into ways to transferring away from Judith Fox rather than just trying to get through the year. Lesson learned: if the goal is tollerating someone's toxicity until a certain point, you need to report the toxicity or remove yourself.
Are there people in your enviroment that you are just tollerating? Is there something toxic you are trying to ignore because you want this environment to work? Is there a way to fix the toxicity or do you need to consider removing yourself from the environment?
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