**Trigger Warning** ** Graphic content from a dream I about my friend's Suicide**
*Do not read if you are easily triggered*
Please seek help if you are having thoughts of Suicide.
Pain is tangible; infectious even. When someone loses their battle and chooses to end their life; they unknowingly pass their pain on in the form of phantoms; empty seats haunting family events.
I lay here in the dark, fingertips to temples; tracing shapes along my skull. Imagining the pin-point precision entry point, a perfect circle and the explosive crudeness of the exit wound. Brain blasted, blood splatter. The pitter patter as it pools on your keyboard and drips onto the floor. It is everywhere, even in this darkness. A vibrant maroon, staining shadows I did not know could be colored.
How many coats of paint did your mom need to cover it up? Can paint even cover up the hole you've left?
I can hear you laughing in my lounge, a smokey twang in your tone. Your voice is deeper than the rest but your confidence stands out more. You seem so at home in your body in my lounge. So comfortable with us. So loved by us.
Who stole that from you when you left the safety of my house?
The ease at which you strode through Target, not letting us women distract you with all the things Target was telling us to buy. You were there for one thing and one thing only. Magic. It was gathering because of you. A jack of all trades; a jester, a handyman, a best friend.
Was it the master of none that brought you to this end?
Where there should have been yarns on the patio, more game nights and dancing at your brother's wedding, there is this heavy ball of pain. You have been added to my box of grief. Most days I do not feel your heaviness. Some days you crash violently on the grief button, causing my eyes to flood and my knees to give out.
I know I am not alone. I can see the pain distribution across all of the humans we have in common. We carry you differently, to varying degrees. Some days we carry you more easily than others. In the end we never really wanted to let you go.
If you read this and are on the edge, know that you will be missed. Your absence will be heavy. You matter very much. This End is a very permanent solution to a temporary situation. Hold on. Seek help. You are loved.
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