You Are Too Much.
The echo rings in the silent spaces of my mind. I carry these words across an island, an ocean and back again.
Their weight is heavy on my heart and has tainted my reflection.
I can not see the person everyone is raving about; passionate, authentic, sunlight in human form. These things I am too much of and will burn those who get to close.
"Let me ask you more benign questions" States the twenty-something human I have made small talk with today, while the first few are benign he curves straight into my passion and then asks about my somewhat publicly announced heartbreak.
The shortest telling; a shrug and parroted "She told me I was too much."
"Well, that's not a reflection of you. That's her showing you she was choosing to not be good enough for you. Not the other way around." He laughs and continues, "You're a psychologist, you should know that."
Suddenly, the heartbreak is not so heavy and I can see myself shining in the reflection of the chrome detailing. I have been here before just a few months prior. We have a choice to show up and choose love every day. We have a choice to be healthy for ourselves and others or to be toxic.
I have always wanted to know what I could have done to make it work or how I could have been better but it is impossible to do either when the other does not want me. Telling I am too much is an excuse so that they do not have to be accountable for their lack of interest in trying. They do not want to admit or maybe they do not realize that they have stopping choosing me. It is easier to blame someone else than to be held accountable. So I have to hold this lesson close and remember that someone else's opinion of me being too much of anything is a reflection of them.
At the end of this year, I arrived with good intentions and the desire to continue to better myself.
I am enough.
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