Say "Hell Yes!" to everything (Except for Drugs, Booze, and Boys. Those I could say "No" to). That was my only rule when moving to Australia for a semester abroad. There were heaps of international boys and endless amounts of booze for me to pick and choose from (Luckily not too many (bad) drugs to run into). In my first week, I was proposed to multiple times. The first month I flew halfway across the country for a boy who would leave me in a hotel room. By the second month I was forgetting him with road trips, all-nighters fill with dancing and laughter, and lazy beach days buried in the sand. Queensland sand is oddly squeaky and smooth. As the sand clung to every pore and sky pressed down to caress me, Queensland became home. The first place I left part of my heart. The first time I let go of who I used to be.
I used to be the prude girl; the one with too many reservations. Straight-edge (No drinking or drugs). The mom of the group (Still sometimes the herder of the group). Reservations no longer prevented me from solo-diving trips, or going out alone. Every moment was an opportunity to make new friends, even if only for the night. Any conversation could slip into a deep and meaningful; words for expansion of what used to be a narrow American mind. There were bad days that made for good stories and great days that made for epic tales. Never had I been more alive. The international family I had created lead to more travel, more place for pieces of my heart to be left.
My time in Australia came to an end. As gracefully as I could I returned to California. The sky is a dull grey-blue compared to the bright baby blue of Queensland. While I still said "Hell yeah." to most things this thing inside me was screaming "Go!" while flailing in my chest threatening to break prison-like ribs from the inside. I tried a different state, there was no content. The voice still screamed, "Go!". I realized the last time that I was home many people had these expectations of me I can no longer meet. The person I have become no longer fits in. A friend of mine told me, I am being narrow-minded and preventing California from fitting by my own choice.
However, with certainty, I can say California is the place of my birth but no longer my home. The person I have become has purpose elsewhere. Seeking the excited "Hell Yes!" over the mediocre "Hell yea." Maybe home will be the black squeaky sand of New Zealand or somewhere else. I just know that the people from my past are not fully accepting of who I have become and that's okay, they can stay in my past. While the future is a dark and uncertain, the present is bright and hopeful.