I have been using this quarantine time to satisfy my love of learning and curiosity (about basically everything) through reading and taking online courses (Links for the two materials that I will mostly be referencing in this blog are included below. Enjoy!)
I've been thinking a lot about how easy it is for me to lose myself (in though and feeling). On my worst days I am so overpowered by grief/sadness and loneliness that I used to not be able to get out bed. Don't get me wrong I still struggle but I can't remember the last time those feelings won and kept me in bed. I used to tell my most recent boyfriend "You should see me at my worst." After absorbing parts of these materials I realized I was judging myself negatively (Our thinking self will always find negatives) but also holding on to a past reference point that actually no longer exists (How traumatizing was that for him to think there was worse than the crying fits he was dealing with so well?). I've spent the last few weeks picking better reference points (the person or thing we aim to be/attain), as I am not the person I was six years ago and some of the people I had chosen to be around were not the best influences on who I wanted to be.
More importantly I want to share the messed up ways our brains have evolved to make us unhappy. Professor Santos calls them the 4 annoying features of out mind (Personally I consider them the Four Fucked up Features of the mind):
1) Our strongest intuitions are often wrong: We have the tendency to over predict how a thing/event with make us Happier/more sad. People think making more money will make them happier but actually there is a cut off point where income no longer correlates to increased happiness. That people who make 100k a year get used to it and feel that they need to make more, when realistically they make more money that necessary to provide for themselves/families. We predict getting a bad grade is going to make us sad but realistically our sadness only dips a bit and then goes away with the next course, semester, assignment. Our wrong predictions often make us feel negatively about a situation even before we find out the outcome.
2) Our minds don't think in absolutes: Because of Reference points (often a celebrity or something we don't have the resources to be) we often believe will believe the wrong things will make us happy (Don't quote me on this one. I think my notes are wrong. Take the class and do your own research). I don't feel that her class made the best points on this but Russ Harris makes good points on how our 'Thinking Self' often pictures these scenarios that will never happen and has thoughts and judgement that are completely unhelpful to our current circumstances, which end up hindering our ability to act in a way that is helpful.
3) Our minds get Used to stuff: Hedonistic Adaptation (One of my new favorite words) is the brains way of adapting to items. In other words things lose their newness and thus lose their ability to make us happy. Something to compare this to is Sensory Adaptation, the brain gets used to certain sensory input so that it can apply energy to other things. An example that you put your clothes on but stop feeling that your clothes are on (unless they are itchy/uncomfortable) or when you go into a room it smells strongly but after a while you don't notice the smell anymore.
4) We don't realize that our brains are wired to get used to stuff: So we keep buying stuff to make us happy and can't figure out why we aren't happy. Marketing companies capitalize on this feature of the brain. We just consume, consume, consume and feel all the less good for it. More often than not we only get used to things that feel good and bad things start to feel more bad.
Harris explains in his book how these features used to be protective but in today's world have obviously become more destructive to the self. He also pin points that the majority of our unhappiness is in the struggle with these miswantings and negative thoughts, feelings, judgments. His book and Santos' course are very different and take on happiness from different but overlapping view points. Harris suggests to stop fighting with negatives (accept they are their and make room for them) and take action in the direction of your values (really hard to do when you have lost sight of your values , which has been me since like maybe as far back as November). Santos similarly suggests being aware of these annoying miswantings and acting in positive ways (exercising, social connection, savoring, gratitude, sleep, meditation, kindness) while seeking out the correct aspects of the things we want (social connection, time affluence, flow, growth and the use of our signature strengths).
January and February were especially hard months for me, as I spend the majority of them fighting with negative thoughts and feelings and letting a these negative things prevent me from acting positively. I did that to myself though. I chose to cry and just be sad rather than be assertive. I chose to say unkind things because I was hurting and chose to hang out with people who were supporting me being unkind and unhappy. I won't say that I regret it but I wonder how things could be different if I could go back with the awareness I have now.
The last thing that I will leave you with is the G.I. JOE Fallacy: "Knowing is half the battle." This is wrong because knowing your brain has been wired to fail won't make you change. Taking the time to practice the little habits in this course will be the first part of the battle. Choosing to keep them as daily habits will be the rest. It's ok to miss some days, as long as you don't lose sight of your actual happiness.
So for those of you who have take the time to read this, thank you. I hope you choose to take a more in depth look at the material and at how your brain has been wired to be unhappy and start choosing to be happier.
https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being/home/info (Helps acknowledge how your brain is wired and then rewire your brain and habits)
https://thehappinesstrap.com/free-resources/ (The book and Free resources are just fine. You can do all this self-acceptance work for free)