Ever since lockdown started I have been hearing an increase in the phrase "You just need to work on yourself" (in many different ways). I believe it has become the epitome of quarantine toxic Positivity (I've included two links below to explain Toxic Positivity in more detail). Essentially, it is the act of saying really positive but really unhelpful things that can actually set people back rather than help them move forward.
I know when my friends say "Aw just work on yourself" they are trying to be supportive but it feels extremely hurtful and undermining to all the work I have been doing on myself over the past few years. I started wondering what am I doing that is making people think I am not working on myself? What does not working on yourself look like?
No one can really say what it is or isn't. For one person, working on yourself could be getting out of bed every day and getting dressed. Another person could be setting sales goals and working their way up the corporate ladder or establishing yourself in the middle of nowhere in a cabin with enough hunted and grown food to get through winter. If you're into drugs, working on yourself could be finding the perfect high. Everyone's journey is subjective and different so there is no way to say that someone is or isn't working on themselves, especially because we are not in their head or with them every day to see what their work is or has been.
Personally for me, working on myself varies every day. Some days it is practicing staying in the moment and savoring what I am experiencing. Other days it is getting out of bed and busting my ass to stay aware of my mental state. There are days where my work is actually teaching myself it is okay to not be productive and just rest. Sometimes it is sitting with my negative feelings, really feeling them and understanding why I am feeling them. This is the most common time when people feel the need to tell me that I need to work on myself; when I share that I am dealing with something negative. I understand it is hard for people to understand or empathize with these feelings as not many of my friends have experienced some of the things I have.
Many of the people I hang out with now are newer friends that have not known the teen I was or the person I was in my early 20s to know how far I've come. I do not react as emotionally as I used to. It's hard to explain to someone who does not have this past reference point of me to see just how much work I have done. Even though I am mindful that it is hard for them to see the growth, it has been a struggle to not feel discredited by the statement "You just need to work on yourself."
Maybe in this time of quarantine, we need to recognize even more than usual people are on different paths and are dealing with this crisis in different ways. Someone who does not look like they are hustling, is actually hustling to maintain a schedule and sense of normal. Someone who is scrambling around taking care of everyone may seem like they have it together but really they are avoiding their own struggle.
Instead of suggesting they work on themselves, we could offer help: "I can see that this is hard for you. Is there some way I can support you right now?"
Or if we are not in a state of mind to care or support someone else: " I am going through some hard things as well. Let's take our time and we will get through it." Making it a we thing can make it feel supportive without over-extending energy or resources you may not have. Where words fail, hugs are always the best default. 😂
More then ever it is important to be aware of how our words can unintentionally set people back. When possible be thoughtful and choose our words carefully. Most importantly, be kind to ourselves and others. Forgive yourself and others. Just choose Love and compassion.
https://www.good.is/articles/support-and-positivity?fbclid=IwAR1eNAf44pYJ6Wh5K0iTnXL5Nnhq-pLGNP5clTwTKCa5KPC0Yg3JWfZZ_vw
https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-toxic-positivity