Give it a name and make it something outside yourself. Dark.
Dark is the only man that always wants to hold my hand. He likes to show me off, you can hear him in my dark humor and my stories of being a survivor.
Dark is the boyfriend everyone tolerates because they love me but sometimes they really struggle to love me because this dickhead of a boyfriend always seems to be hanging around.
Dark always shows up. He hangs around in the background of all my happiest times, waiting for the energy to die and me to need to recharge. He disconnects me, trying to keep me from bouncing back.
Dark is the first person to show up when I get bad news, the first to try and support me. Telling me that giving up is okay; plenty of people do it.
Dark plays with my hair the way I wish someone else would. He holds me and tells me my bed is the safest place for me. He tells me I don't have to get up because I don't have a purpose and no one will miss me. Keep the curtains closed and let the darkness be my home.
Dark is heavy when he holds me and sometimes I confuse this for safety and comfort. He is some of the things I want most with all the wrong effects.
Today, I decided I did not believe I needed Dark anymore. I chose sunshine and fresh air and my friends over the false comfort. I let myself sleep in just a little bit but got up for a run, even though I feel heavy. I chose to call my friend and smile even though I feel sad. Just hearing my friend's voice made me a little less sad and my smile a little more genuine.
Dark is getting smaller, easier to disagree with. Even easier to walk away from. He has taught me how to hold both sadness and joy at the same time; anger with calm. He was once a protective coping mechanism that turned into a bad habit. He no longer serves a purpose. He is getting less and less of my attention, making room for someone real.
The days I spent sitting with Dark were not wasted as there was a slow growth. It has taken years to get to the point where I am not only aware of what was actually happening but strong enough to respond adequately; less out of urgent survival.
Today, I got out of bed.