"The past is only the future with the lights on" - +44
My first boyfriend had a five-year plan: Date for a year, move into an apartment together, get engaged, buy a house, get married and have kids. I wanted nothing to do with this American Dream future.
Later, my Dutch boyfriend and I would talk about the logistics of having kids, where we would live and how we would care for these hypothetical beings that we did not really want but were expected to have.
Last year, I was seeing someone who we discussed the future we wanted and agreed on things we wanted but not with each other. We had similar desires but were only temporary means for each other.
For the first time, I thought I was with someone who I had a future with. I could see snowboarding and road trips around the south island. Maybe even a 100k walk for charity, if he asked me enough times. I have never wanted a house but I could see one with him; somewhere away from all the city congestion, with a large yard for a dog AND a cat (before him I was never really fond of cats). For the first time sitting at his sister's dining table, his nice and a crossword puzzle between us, I could see kids. For the first time, I definitively wanted kids. But only with him.
All of the bad things that were happening, I felt safe. I was hopeful because these bad things were temporary and for once I had long term goals. Tangible and measurable. Not just a short trip somewhere or a special event. I had someone to create moments and strive for common goals with. I was sad because of all the bad but unlike previous years I could still feel happy at the same time. There wasn't this aching darkness in me. It gave me so much hope that I was getting better.
Now that future is gone. We are in lock down. I can't turn enough lights on to see past tonight, let alone past lock down.
All the future goals I set for myself (Masters degree, residency, etc.), the Universe has shut down quite cruelly. Even this future I hoped for with someone else has been rejected.
What's the point if I can't dream or hope for anything past this moment? What am I learning other than I do not deserve the goals I set for myself? No amount of good grades or work ethic will give me the things I have been working towards, so what is the point?