I have to be strong. I have to be strong for [insert the name of someone you love] while they are hurting. I can not cry or show my grief. I have to be strong. I have to show no pain.
Somewhere in all the complexities of society, we were taught that being strong means shoving all our emotions and suffering deep inside, putting on a 'brave face' to be there for someone else. The only way to be strong is to ignore your pain and pretend like you are okay, to ease someone else's pain. You absolutely cannot cry because that my friend is that my friends is the biggest sign of weakness.
Why? Why are we not allowed to hurt together? Why are we expected to put our pain on hold to help others? Why is crying considered a sign of weakness?
It is not impossible to be supportive and caring while hurting. It is not easy but not impossible.
Recently, we lost a friend in the most violent way. I keep hearing my friends say they have to be strong for someone else as if they are suffering less. One of my best friends and I have cried over him together and that felt more relieving than if she cried on my shoulder or I cried alone on hers. She is hurting in a way I can not comprehend but I still cry with her.
I have another friend who is fighting to stay positive through her grief, her loss, her struggle to find her place. She cries to me and with me. There is this ease to which we hurt together, over different things, some times the same things. Sometimes we cry just a few tears and other times we cry so hard our bodies shake.
Crying releases the feel-good chemicals, oxytocin, and endorphins. These chemicals can ease both physical and emotional pain. Crying is also a social indicator for others to come to us because we need help, thus promoting togetherness. Crying is good for you. It should not be seen as weak, but as soothing, self-care.
We should be able to comfort our friends and lovers while crying. We should be able to still be able to be seen as strong when we relieve our grief with tears. We should be able to console one another with tears in our eyes and seen as fighters. Being vulnerable is courageous, asking for help is brave.
It is not impossible to be supportive and caring while hurting. It is not easy but not impossible. For the ones, we love it should be normal.
They should be aware of our pain the way we are aware of theirs.
Even when I am hurting, I always that I am still concerned for others. I want to hold their pain with mine. There is no shame in pain. No weakness in crying. For those that we love, we have the strength to carry their pain and our own.
Be strong in your own way.