I hurt someone. Someone whom I loved very much.
"I am so pissed off at you right now." I did not fully understand when she first arrived what I had done but as she explained I realized how I had hurt her. I had made her feel less important; even less than second best. When she finished, I apologized, taking full responsibility for my lack of communication and my poor wording when I had communicated. She has every right to be mad. I wish that it had not ended our friendship but it taught me a lesson. Other's people's time is just as important as mine.
I have been writing all about boundaries and saying 'No' and yet in this event, I had so many opportunities to do so in advance but I did not. When the day came, I was not thoughtful in my responses and I made a friend feel like she was not important or good enough and that her time did not matter to me.
This most recent trip home, I was on the reverse side. As if the universe was trying to show me something. For all the pre-planing I attempted and all the communications I made, very few people seemed to care about my limited time in the states. There were a lot of things I wanted to do: My friend's wedding, Disneyland, try shrooms, Halloween stuff, Knott's or Universal horror nights, movie nights. Even with all the pre-planning none of these things happened. I am okay with the fact these things did not happen. I did not NEED to go to Disneyland and be a Jedi or get the shit scared out of me by actors. What I did need was people to be responsible with their time and commitments.
"It's not like I forgot we had plans." This text was an admittance that this person did not care or respect me. I set aside a whole night for this person when I could have been at Knott's or in San Clemente or San Diego or at the river with people who wanted my time and this person did not respect me enough to let me know in advance that they were not going to be making our plans. They did not care enough about me having time to coordinate something else for the night and left me alone for yet another night in California. As the days went on this person never took responsibility or accountability and even called me petty for not responding to their text, as if my feelings of being hurt are unreasonable. I love this person so much and this is not the end of us.
It took this kind of love and betrayal for me to realize how many people I was letting walk all over me. That I was not maintaining boundaries or caring for myself or even putting myself first. I have spent a lot of time alone the past two weeks, just trying to reset my boundaries, suss out the people who are meant to be in my life, and practice compassion with myself. It took hurting and being hurt by people I love to make me realize I how far I had gotten off center. I am still taking space and working on my stuff but if you are still my friend on Facebook and can read this, you are still important to me.