This was the first Naked Hiker photo during my half-cross-country move to Denver for Grad school. I remember feeling elated like I was getting closer to becoming the person and therapist I was always hoping to be.
I stuck the number one up in reminiscence of my time with Amanda Clacy (reason 14) and an ode to starting a new chapter. I was invincible.
Until I got to Denver and met Judith Fox. I think from the first day of orientation I knew she would ruin me. The short story is that a peer, Ashley Cornelius, accused me of seeking social interaction with a client (that I searched the restaurant where the client worked for the client and that I left a note at the table for the client). Even though other people attending the birthday dinner confirm this never happened I was dismissed for 1) unethical behaviour 2) a social media presence that disrupted the learning environment and 3) I report my relationship with peers as unprofessional (how Judith Fox twisted my report of being bullied by peers against me. She's lovely isn't she?)
For the first time in my life, I was suicidal. Judith Fox and Ashley Cornelius had stripped me of purpose (and left me 40,000 in student debt).
Let me just explain that I did not want to kill myself but rather I wanted a freak accident; a meteor or lightning to strike me, the ocean to drown me in a riptide, or my heat to just stop. I survived being raped on two separate occasions and never wanted to die. I hated my body and felt shame but never wanted to die. Not only had I been defamed but my internship refused to communicate with me, as it was a client that I worked with under their supervision. So I was left with no references for this year of hard work.
For a while, I wanted to die and then it faded and I wanted to fight. I wanted to sue the school so that my loans would be forgiven and save my references (The appeal process is long and bias that the lawyer I spoke with actually told me to give up and change my field (not to mention I was never going to be able to afford the legal process).
The funny thing is I was so anxious about going to the University of Denver because I did not know if it was really where I was supposed to be. However, America convinces you that you just need the master's degree to get the career and it's worth all the debt because you'll make enough to pay it off (or America will just garner your wages). I went regardless of all my anxiety because anxiety is just fear and challenging my fears was how I liked to grow.
There was a point several months before leaving, where I met this kiwi bloke. We met up randomly one night while he was travelling the U.S. with his brothers and he ended up spending his last weekend in the U.S. with me. For the first time since Kevin (Reason 17), I felt that I might actually be in love with someone. I was considering bailing on grad school to up and move to New Zealand because of Love.
Clearly, I fucked up. Instead of showing up on my A game, I showed up in New Zealand with my tail between my legs and a damaged reputation. I came here because California had not felt like home in a long time and the American Dream that America is always pushing on you, perpetuated the desire to die but also because something was calling me here. It had to be here; not any of the other countries I am familiar with or consider home. For some reason, which I still do not know, I am needed here in New Zealand.
This is very long round-about-way to get to the point but you will never have full control over life. Eventually, life will take you where you are meant to be whether you are moving in that direction or not. I am not saying there is a reason or a god, just that certain things are just meant to be and you can not avoid them. Some things just are. Do not be afraid of the future and all of its unknowns. You only have control over you and your reaction to the things that are. Take everything as it comes, and follow the things that make you feel alive. I firmly believe that taking the risk of following your passions is the best (only) way to live healthily.