Recently, a friend told me they did not understand how I could be so bored all the time. However, what I have been experiencing is far from boredom.
As an only child, I mastered the art of entertaining myself. I have created different universes and written countless stories to fill the hours of alone time. I have drawn creatures that evolution would not support in this world and written songs that will never be sung (mostly because I can not sing to save my life).
What's the point of all this creativity if it never gets shared? What's the point of creating a story but never letting anyone else experience the storyline?
There are many theories that support that humans are social creatures and need connectivity. I have found myself to be living proof of this. For me social contact is a primary drive.
I spent the weekend with a bunch of engineers and lifelong alpine climbers at Mount Taranaki. This stimulated me on so many levels. Physically, by the strength, it took to hike parts of the mountain. Mentally, by the experience and all the learning that took place. Socially, I made new friends and shared experiences. However, it was not until I had to explain cuddling to a German that I realized how much I missed cuddling. My immediate thought was to show him what cuddling was but that probably would have been uncomfortable for him.
I am an extremely affectionate person. I love to cuddle and hug everyone in my life. Back home I was often the only girl or one of two/three girls in cuddle puddle of ten guys. However, for a lot of people cuddling is too intimate and tied to sex. While I've made a lot of friends here in New Zealand, there is still this barrier that can not be crossed because it is weird, too intimate, might give the wrong idea.
I realized this need for physical social interaction was what fueled my binge serial dating on Bumble. It felt so good to hug or have their arm around me as we walked. These dates also irritated my PTSD. While I was satisfying one need on a very small limited scale. These guys were all looking for sex. Some were pushier than others. This constant alertness basically canceled out the satisfaction of the psychical touch. I deleted Bumble convinced that there is not a guy on that app looking to spend the time or settle for a girl with PTSD. I convinced myself that I did not need any of it.
As the weeks went by, I felt more and more empty. That is not t the right word. I felt like I was wilting, like a flower. A friend suggested it was the post-adventure blues, as I felt the worst on Mondays and Tuesdays and it gets somewhat better on the weekends when I am out exploring. When I am out exploring I am satisfying many of the needs of the human soul but I am still lacking that contact comfort. I noticed lately that I feel like I am starving all the time, even with second breakfast, multiple snacks and dessert. Psychology supports that when the body is lacking in something, it can manifest in psychical symptoms.
Last night was the first night I ate dinner with my host family and I did not feel the need for seconds or like my host mum was underfeeding me. This was only after showing up at a friend's house and getting not one but two long hugs. The kind of hug where you breathe each other in and squeeze each other so that your smells stick to each other and you can feel the places where their arms held you even after they have released you. The kind of hug long enough for your hearts to sync and you sway to the beat. All of the wilting ceased.
Maybe this is not true for everyone. I know there are people who hate being touched. There are times my PTSD is so bad, I can not stand to be hugged, let alone cuddle with someone. Maybe this aversion to touch is what allows our emptiness, darkness, whatever you have named it to grow. The same way depression tells you are worthless and tries to isolate you so it can grow and dominate everything in your life. By pushing past my PTSD and continuing to seek out and thrive on contact comfort, it keeps my PTSD small. I know that my PTSD is wrong. Not everyone is trying to hurt me. Regardless of the thing you are struggling with you need to keep seeking out the things that satisfy the human soul. Seek out experiences, knowledge, adventure, social contact (both verbal and physical but not necessarily sex) and purpose. Challenge your anxiety, your fear, your emptiness. Some days it is harder said than done but the important thing is that you keep trying until you find what is right for you.