I caught myself thinking about the massive crush I had on my best friend in high school. They say girls never get friend zoned but I was definitely friend zoned. Junior year I asked him to prom because I knew no one was going to ask me. There was this small hope that he would have the time of his life and realize maybe we could be more than friends.
That never happened.
I caught myself wondering how things could have been different. If we had gone together, would we have dated?
I caught myself in this weird 'what if' mindset. Would the weekend of senior prom have ended differently? How would I have been different if Sound Wave Australia had ended without trauma? If I kept a screen on my window instead of letting friends hide from abusive parents. Would I be Ryan's trophy wife now, if gravity had not pulled me to Australia?
Somewhere in the middle of all these 'what if's I realized I would not trade to be anywhere else.
Where would I be if I had not experienced these traumas?
It's hard to find the positives in my first trauma. When I think about my second trauma, I can honestly say I would have never met Bec and Nick, or even Kevin. I would relive it 1,000 times to ensure that they were part of my life. The days that came after were some of the best of my life so far.
I hear so many friends say that they wish they could back and do things differently; avoid an abusive relationship, be a better parent, travel more.
If those things had not happened, who would you be now? Would you be the person who needed to change or would have just carried on the same? What is stopping you from making changes now? What's stopping you from booking a flight, having a daddy-daughter day, loving yourself first?
Without my traumas, I would not know how strong I really or what to do with that strength. Without your lows or your bad days, what knowledge would you have to make better choices now?
In my experience, my bad days teach me, they force me to grow and sometimes they force me to change direction. Nothing grows in the comfort zone. I would not know how strong and resilient I am if it were not for people like Trevor, Luke, and Judy, trying to tear me down. They broke off all my weak pieces so that I could move on with without the weight. The things they did pushed me in a direction I was unaware of.
When I tell you "who cares about the 'ifs'?" and "You can't go back and change it.", I am not minimizing your experience. I am hoping you will see now and realize that the past is your notes and you have the choice to use this knowledge now; make the changes now. You'll never get answers dwelling on 'ifs', you'll never know how things could have been. You can only know now and be hopeful for the future.
You can't go back to fix the polaroid, you can only move forward and create new ones. You're learning how to play with the light and the angles. As move you move forward you take steps to creating the perfect you.