The people who have known me for ages know that ever since I was a kid, I have had this obsession with Australia. No one knew where it came from or why but I frickin loved Australia without ever going.
When I finally got to go to Australia on a 'people to people' student trip in 2008, my obsession intensified (even though the chaperones sucked and we did not do half of the things we were promised in the brochure). I developed a drunk alter ego named Natalie from Adelaide (we never even went to Adelaide on this trip). My obsession with Australia was a long time running joke until I completed my Associates degree and had to wait a year to start uni at a cal state university. What would I possibly do with year off of school? Move in with my long time boyfriend and become a housewife seemed like the "best choice" (to him at least).
I picked studying aboard for a semester (that turned into completing my degree) so that my education did not have to take a break. And of course I could finally live in Australia.
Nothing would have prepared me for the catalyst that would be Australia. While there was no culture shock, there was definitely a lack of a comfort zone. My family and boyfriend (who dumped me at my going away party) were so far away they could no longer coddle me or feed my insecurities.
This was better than a "New Year, New Me". It was "New Environment, No Past Expectations to Live Up to". It was by far the greatest change a person could have. I no longer had to live up to some Jackass' standards of what a woman should be or be the little only child my family saw me as. There is something truly beautiful about rebuilding yourself from scratch. I was labeled the "Least-American American" because everyone who met me thought I was from somewhere else.
It was the start of me healing from my traumas because I was allowed to fully acknowledge that they happened but the past no longer controlled me. There are aspects that still add definition but they do not control my outcomes to the same extent that they use to.
It was the start of me loving myself because I was no longer surrounded by assholes who put me down and forced me into boxes or titles that I did not fit. I was living up to the things I wanted to be. I was taking strides towards my career goals and achieving things I never thought possible in the U.S. (like getting a 92% in Behavioral Stats).
Sure I missed California for reasons like my Friends and stupid comforts like Target and how cheap EVERYTHING is compared to Australia. However, when I went home for "summer break"/ Thanksgiving and Christmas, I felt a weight on me. Like I was walking through a fog. A fog that was thick as jell-o and equally as suffocating. Even though I had changed; California hadn't, nor had the ideas and expectations. Suddenly I was too big and fit in even less than before.
When I came home for good, I slowly slipped back into conformity. They way things should be: work for less pay than deserve, go to overpriced universities and take out student loans not only for over priced tuition and books but for rent and groceries because you can't afford those as a student either. I thought a different state would help. Nope, there was no ocean. I was numb in the U.S. The person I wanted to be didn't feel possible.
After 3 years, I finally got to go back to Australia. It felt like home. Sure I was on holiday and did not have adult responsibilities but there was this vibe. As if all my energy finally synced. Like I finally hit that third tier of Maslow's hierarchy and it felt a whole new level of good. Better than a runner's high. Better than stuffing your face with your favorite food to satisfy your starvation. Better than sex. Better than sleeping in your own bed after weeks of traveling or not having a bed. I belonged.
I feel that Maslow's hierarchy holds a lot of truth. If I had been starving (physically unwell) or unsafe in any way Australia would not have been able to provide me with this feeling of belonging.
If you are reading this and you feel like you have tried everything to "get better"; listen to your longing. Is there somewhere calling out to you?
Maybe all the good things you have tried for yourself aren't working because the environment is too toxic. Take a chance and apply for a job in an other state or country or study aboard. Don't just take a vacation. Make a long term change. Even if it doesn't work out and you have to go back to where you started, you will not be the same person as when you left.
I am living for so many reasons and one of them is counting down the days till I get to go back to Australia. For the day that I get to see all the cute little Dingo pups and Koalas. For the adrenaline rush of what's this bite mark from? Is it deadly? Yea Nah, She'll be right.
Listen to your longing. Just go.
<3 Always
Nik Nak