Reason 18

For the first weeks of being in New Zealand, I felt off. Something was different in a bad way and I couldn't place it. I felt raw and hollow. As if all of my being was expanding and drifting apart. I was a ghost slowly evaporating. Soon I would cease to exists. No deep and meaningfuls over skype could cure this slow dissolve. It took several weeks to realize what was missing. Hugs.

Back home I have a plethora of friends who all live and work so close to me that I rarely go a day without getting hugs. It is how I know I am loved and that I matter. I never realized the frequency at which they occurred until I had to go without. Hugs are as necessary for me as food. I get hangry when I don't eat and get off when I can't get hugs to make me feel loved. I'd rather be hangry.

My favorite hugs are from my dad. My dad is not one for feelings or words but his hugs make up for that 100%. No matter how old I get, he will always be able to make feel so small when he engulfs me in one of his bear hugs. For a few seconds, the world ceases to be a dangerous place. In that moment, I am the safest I will ever be. No one will ever love or protect me the way my dad will.

Second best hugs are from my best friend RJ. Ever since high school, he's given me the tightest bone crushing hugs. Similar to my dad's but without feeling so small. No matter what happened, our classmate passing or just a downright shitty day, RJ always had the best hugs to cheer me up. How can you be sad when he gives you his stupid optimistic grin and wraps his arms around you like he knows exactly what the future holds? You really can't. Even if he turns out to be wrong later, you still feel better after that embrace.

Another favorite person to hug is TC. Why? Because no matter how drunk he is, he's never dropped me. We get to see each other so rarely that when I do get to see him, I get a running start and try to tackle him. Eight years of friendship and he's caught me every single time. Last New year's (2016) we went to meet up with everyone at the peninsula and when he saw me coming he braced for impact and caught me. It wasn't until I was secured against him that I felt the vodka bottle between us. He actually let go of the bottle he was hiding in his jacket to catch me. That's a true friend right there.

Recently my friend Andre, from Germany, decided to make a trip back to New Zealand. He did not come here for me but he made time for me. His first night here we met at Fort Street Union. I was frantically pacing the alleyway and sidewalk looking for him. My head had been in such a dark place and felt that I was slowly disappearing. As soon as I saw him, my feet took flight and he caught me. In just a few seconds he pushed all of my matter back into place and I felt whole again. Andre is completely unaware of how he brought me back to my original state because it is that simple. I am held together by all the love of all my friends and I am damn lucky to have so many friends scattered across the globe.

I can say right now I am living for the days I reunite with my friends be it here, Australia, Germany or back home in the US. I look forward to each and every hug. Especially because I don't know how many or from who they will come from but they will happen.

I keep living for hugs, and laughter and friends. Even if I feel off or my thoughts are dark I am loved and I have hope.

Keep living because you are loved as well. If your hope is dimming reach out. If you don't feel comfortable admitting to the pain you feel or the thoughts you have, ask for a hug and know you are loved no matter what.

<3 Always

Niknak

#Hugs #Love #Hope #Keepliving