I don't know what change from yesterday, or any of the previous days for that matter. Today, I feel overwhelmed by Hope. It is a wildfire raging in my chest, spreading through my extremities.
For a while Hope was only a candle, flickering in a world dark and full of terror. Somedays it seemed so far out of reach; it was always there. It never went out, no matter how cruel people were. Some days my Hope needed to feed off of the fires in my friends. I could see how their lives were getting better. The flicker of Hope grew brighter knowing that all of this was temporary (as I lack patience it was still annoying as hell to wait it out but in the end worth it).
It's frustrating. It hurts. It feels endless waiting all the time. Eventually, all things become certain. Today was that day for me. It's almost unfamiliar because it's been so long since I have felt Hope this strongly. Even when heavy and blah, I was still me. A friend, a career, a fighter. I can still be me when dark is gnawing at my insides trying to eat me alive. It has been trying for the better half of 10 years but has failed to extinguish me or my Hope.
Even if Hope is extinguished; it is not the end. My best friend told me that the night he tried to take his life, depression won. He acknowledges that night he was defeated by his depression. While his Hope had burnt out, mine had not. It was my Hope for 26, my Hope for my best friend that kept him alive. The person he was, died that night. After months of therapy, the person he is is stronger, more resilient. When I see him now he radiates his Hopefulness. My Hope feeds off of him now. I can't imagine my life without him, nor can imagine who he would be without me. I can say this for all the people in my life, for all the strangers I have turned to friends and the friends who have become my family.
We need other people (no matter how introverted we are).
I've said this before; there are so many reasons for you keep going. There are so many people who want you to live. There are strangers you have not met yet, whose life you will improve and they will do the same for you. You are searching these blogs and reading these messages probably because your Hope is flickering somewhere out of reach; maybe even near extinction. Keep feeding your Hope. Reach out. There is a whole community waiting to help you feed this crucial part of your existence.
I am alive because of hope. I am alive because of the friends that feed my Hope and the people who need me to feed their Hope. I am here because I am strong and because I care. I want you to know you are worthy of Hope and Love and most importantly Life. You are worthy of every breath and every flutter of your heart. You are here because you are worthy of living.
Keep going.
<3 Always,
Nik Nak