I've been in a low and it's been taking so long to get out of it. I know that it's normal to feel this after a trauma. I know it takes time to get back to me but I am impatient.
I don't know what snapped in me but a week and a half ago l got up and tried to run the Back Bay. It didn't matter that I couldn't run, I just kept walking. I've been every day since; no matter how sick I feel or how shitty the weather (I can't remember it ever raining this much before in November).
Today, I was finally able to run a mile without stopping or wanting to keel over. It was fucking beautiful. I feel like I finally made it out of this most recent low. That this heaviness that has been trying to bury me for 26 years failed again.
It's not because of the running (that endorphin high feels awesome though). There is something special about being in Nature that is just reviving. I noticed that when I hike and run the trails in the Back Bay I am the only one disconnected. Everyone has their headphones in and if they aren't maintaining conversations with people that aren't present, they are brainwashing themselves with mass-produced tunes.
The first days, I thought I was the zombie listlessly wondering the trails but I was waking up to the sounds the lizards scurrying across the trails, the squirrels fighting with birds over whatever they had scavenged, the fish breaching in the bay and the occasional Boeing 737 flying out of SNA (sucks that the Back Bay is right under the flight path). I wonder how much all these people miss while plugged in. (If we had rattlesnakes and other predators in the Back Bay, what would the injury rate be?)
I remember in Denver and in Australia, if I ever felt the weight begin to tug at me, I would set my assignments aside and take off into nature. No iPod, maybe a camera and my phone only for emergencies. The sounds of nature would scrub my brain clean and every step the weight would fall off like shedding snakeskin. There is so much that cameras will never perfectly catch. I don't even know if there are proper words to describe how the sunlight falls through the trees and the feeling of its warmth caressing my skin as I walk in between the tendrils and the shadows of the branches. That feeling when you wonder slightly off the trail and stumble on the most breathtaking view. A humble sense of pride knowing only a few have found this spot and basked in its wonder.
When you're not plugged in and tuned out, there is so much to see. How many animals have you missed while staring at your screen? Do you know the sound of flight? How it differs from birds to beetles to bees? Nature is truly a natural high. There are so many feelings and sounds that can't be manufactured in our music and store-bought products.
Maybe you aren't a nature person. Maybe nature is far out of reach because of your city spread. Bring your favorite blanket and find a roof to cuddle up and watch the sunset. Find a park watch the critters crawl through the trees and grass. Seek out these natural things that cant be manufactured. Maybe you'll disagree but I find them to be better anti-depressants than those pills pushed by pharmaceutical companies. One study found that listening to nature sounds for an hour a day reduced stress/anxiety significantly. I only imagine what the result would be if we all took the time to spend an hour a day unplugged in the natural world we are so vigorously ignoring.
I hope this helps you. I hope you look and find comfort in nature.
<3 always,
Nik Nak