I stopped writing out of fear. I had been accused of posting inappropriate suicidal comments on my facebook by a fellow student. I stopped posting because Judith Fox told me my social media presence "was not mindful" and "it was disruptive to the learning environment of my peers". She put all the blame on me and disregarded the fact that they have a choice to follow me or not, they have a choice to read my blogs or not, and that I have no control over their opinions or misinterpretations of my words.
No matter how mindful I am, someone will read this and understand in a way that is different from my intention. Isn't that the beautiful thing about writing? Just like art, it is free to be interpreted any which way. Even though words have specific definitions, many words have multiple definitions and change easily within the context of their use.
I love writing. I have been doing it ever since I learned how to trace my alphabet. I suck at spelling (thank you spell check!) and I am working on my grammar always. I feel it's more important to get these words out and post somewhere where they can be shared. There have been so many reasons I want to post and share with all of you. They have been locked up in my chest like criminals because of someone else's false accusation and misinterpretations. Over the next few days, I am looking forward to releasing these stories from their cells. In this moment, I feel so much relief from being able to be honest, and let out all the thoughts that have been on my mind.
Writing has always been something that keeps me sane. When I feel like a complete outsider, I can write it out and help others understand me. More often than not, writing helps me realize the cognitive distortions in my thoughts. It makes it easier to challenge all the negatives and reframe to positives.
My hope with this blog is that by sharing the reasons I love to live, no matter how simple, other's will read this and see them in their own life. Through these reasons, I hope my readers will challenge their own cognitive distortions. I hope that those of you who are struggling, find strength. Maybe you don't have the parents I have but you do have a sibling like Tik Tak, a roommate like Caitlin or best friend like Josh. You don't realize it but there are strangers you haven't met yet that want to you to live.
Writing helps me connect when my words won't come out right. When I am too afraid to say things out loud because they might too harsh or heavy to hear, paper and pen make them lighter, easier to explain.
This is why I keep living. All the pain and hurt can be explained and eased through writing. All good days can be immortalized in storytelling. Through writing, I can connect with you, even if we never meet in person. Through writing: I can heal and you can heal.
<3 Always,
Nik Nak